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“It’s during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” 

― Aristotle Onassis

I am an evil and hateful person, there I said it. Okay, so I guess that’s not entirely true, but I do have some attributes, that I could live without. In fact, there are certain parts of myself that I absolutely despise. While it’s true that a lot of the things about myself are simply human nature, it does little to make me feel better.

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have mean and hateful tendencies, some are just better than hiding it than others. Who hasn’t felt even a small amount of joy in hearing about or seeing someone that has wronged you getting a little unhappiness in their lives.

I have a lot of things about myself, that I am also proud of, as well. Of course, we rarely dwell on those thing, now do we? I rarely find myself praising myself for being a kind, loving, generous, and open-minded individual. I can’t say that I have ever actually hoped for bad things to happen to others, necessarily. But, I also admit that I have heard of things going badly for some and felt a small twitch of glee.

I know it’s not something that I should be admitting, but maybe that is exactly what’s wrong with the world today. We are so focused on being something that we aren’t. We are so afraid that we will offend someone or God forbid, make someone not like us. So, we pretend to be nothing but creatures of love and light. We know it’s not true, so why do we continue the charade?

Most of us have known those people that seem to fly above the ground on gossamer wings. They float through life, their feet not touching the ground. They soar above us, with no obstacles in their way. A part of us is happy for them, glad to see that there are some people in the world, that don’t have to struggle through each day. But, there is also that part of us that feels joy, when they fly to high and they find that those wings of gossamer are nothing more than wax and sticks and they soon find themselves rapidly falling to the ground.

I do believe that it’s human nature to want equality with everyone around us. No one like to think that someone is better than themselves, financially, emotionally, or in any way really. We hate to feel like we are less or vulnerable. It makes us feel like we are nothing and that is something that we just don’t want to feel.

I’ve heard it said, that no one can make you think less of yourself or have any power over you, unless you allow them to. I know I have butchered the quote, but you get the point. And, honestly that is true, even though we rarely realize it to be so. We DO allow others to hurt our feelings, to make us feel as if we are not good enough, when more often than not, it’s absolutely not true.

Some people do it, because it makes them feel better about themselves. But, I believe if you have to make someone else feel bad to make yourself feel better about yourself, then you are a truly weak person, that is living a life I would never chose to live. I have hurt others, over the course of my life, some by accident and some on purpose, but I have also felt horrible about it, afterwards. I have also tried to learn from those indiscretions and have tried very hard not to repeat them.

I find that as I have grown older, it’s much easier to be a kinder person and that I don’t lash out like I did when I was younger. I have become more mellow and have come to understand the things in my life that really matter. In other words, I more fully understand what I want out of life and what just doesn’t matter to me at all anymore.

I have always had a low tolerance for bullshit and as I grown older the amount that I will tolerate has become almost nil. I am too old for high school drama and refuse to socialize or be involved with people that are always swimming in it. I don’t want to feel as if I am living on the set of some soap opera. I have absolutely no issue with helping someone with a problem or even letting them bend my ear, if that’s what they need. But, I no longer have the strength to sit and listen to someone that wants to dump their every problem in my lap. Because believe me, I have enough of my own.

So, sometimes I’m evil, sometimes even hateful. But, that doesn’t mean there is no good in me either. In fact, if I were to tally up the scores for both, I am more than confident that the good would by far outweigh the bad.

We need to remember that, the next time the darkness inside, rears its evil head. And, maybe, just maybe if we do so, we can eventually beat the darkness away and be left with nothing but the light inside.