Life Happens

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“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” 

― Albert Einstein

Who of us is lucky enough to ever witness a true miracle? The answer is all of us. It sounds silly to say that, but it’s absolutely true. The simple fact that we are alive and breathing is a miracle in itself. Have you ever taken into consideration the complexity of our bodies and their ability to function, while we are wasting time worrying about some trivial matter?

I can say with all honesty that I take a lot of things for granted. I go to bed every night with full confidence that when I awake the sun will have risen, when in reality I have no right to just believe this will always be true. There are things hurtling through space, at this very moment, that for all I know could collide with our little blue marble and end all life as we know it. Sure, I guess it is a fairly safe bet to not expect something like that to happen. I mean, the Earth has been around for billions of years and is still spinning, as they say.

But, hopefully, you see the point that I am trying to make. There really aren’t any guarantees in life. So, does that mean that every moment we live is a miracle? What about those moments when your life is shrouded in shadows and pain? What are the moments and happenings in our lives, that can be considered a miracle? The answer is, there is no answer.

Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, WHAT, didn’t you just say that simply living is a miracle? And, yes, I did, but it’s only a miracle to you, if you chose to see it that way. No one can tell what to truly believe. It would be pointless to even try. Because, just as I said in an earlier post, we never really know another person and what they are actually thinking or feeling. So, we will never really and truly know what others have faith in or what they consider to be miraculous.

With that being said, I have definitely overlooked some wonderful things that have happened in my life. I wish I was able to say that I could do the same about the horrible things that had happened, as well. But, moving on, I have experienced things that really defy explanation, things that I would actually consider to be a real and true miracle.

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If you really think about it, you’ve likely had similar experiences. One example I can give was a time when I was in a very bad place. I was at a point in my life, where I was deeply contemplating ending my suffering. I was sitting on my bed, staring at the bedspread and thinking about if I wanted to go on or not. At the foot of my bed, there was a bookshelf, that held all kinds of crap, typically found in a teenage girl’s room. Some of those items were a few magazines that I had saved for some reason. They were lying flat and were in no way in danger of falling, meaning that they were pushed back on the shelf and it was almost as wide as they were. Anyway, as I sat there thinking, I heard a loud thud and out of the corner of my eye I saw something fall. It was really loud and I expected to find one of my encyclopedias on the floor, but no it was a single magazine. I walked over to pick it up and noticed it had fell open, when I bent over to pick it up, I saw that the way the pages were folded open and back, it held a strange message, you matter.

Okay, I understand if you think I’m nuts or even believe that I am lying, but it happened and stranger still, seeing this made me feel so happy that I literally burst into tears and there was a sense of peace that settled over me that felt almost as if I were being held by someone. Of course, I didn’t literally feel someone touching me, but it was more like a feeling of warmth and safety, much like you might have felt as a child, sitting on a parent’s lap. Maybe it was completely explainable. Maybe, the magazines were closer to the edge than I had thought. Maybe, the thud I heard was someone else dropping something in the next room. Maybe, the force of them dropping that object jarred the magazine off the shelf. Maybe, maybe, maybe. The truth is I don’t know if any of those things are true or not. All that I know is that at a time when I needed to hear it the most, something told me that I mattered.

Another strangely miraculous thing that happened to me was when I was 16. It was summer and school was out. I was working as a babysitter for a single mother that lived in the next town. Her aunt had taken the kids the night before, so I was to go and pick them up from her house, sometime mid-morning or before noon, because her aunt had an appointment. I had gotten up around 8:30 that morning and had taken a shower. I planned to eat breakfast, dry my hair and leave by around 9:30 or so. So, I grab some cereal and plop down in front of the TV, while I eat, to watch some morning show. I finish up and wash my bowl and spoon and then head to the bathroom to dry my hair. I plug in my trusty hairdryer and begin the task. But, for some reason my hairdryer keeps stopping. As a 16 year old girl, I had a lot of experience with hairdryers, so I had dealt with them acting similar in the past. I figure it was just the filter on the back clogged. So, I unscrew the back take out the filter and see that it’s actually pretty clean. I take an old toothbrush that was under the sink and clean it up anyway. I pop it back in and it’s still not working right.

I give up on it and figure I’ll probably just have to use some of my hard earned money to get myself a new one. I go back to the living room and begin to towel dry my hair and then find myself glued to the TV. I can’t remember what the exact topic was, but I know that it is not one that I would normally not find so interesting. I glance at the clock and see that it’s already a little after 9:30. I hop up and hurry to my room and get dressed. I then head over to my closet to grab a pair of shoes. I select one and then cannot find its mate. Usually, this wouldn’t matter, I would just grab another pair, but for some reason I HAD to find that other shoe, after searching for 10 minutes or so, I find the damn thing sitting right there, on my closet floor. So, a few other dumb things like that happened and I didn’t leave until roughly 10:15.

I live in a pretty rural area, which also boasts more than a few poultry houses or chicken houses, as we call them. I was quite accustomed to seeing the big feed trucks coming in to load the feeders, but I can’t say that I ever seen one almost tipped over across the road, but that morning as I was heading to pickup the kids, that’s exactly what I saw. I was able to turn around and there were more than a few other ways I could go, so it wasn’t a big deal. I found out later that evening from my father, that the truck had turned to tightly and somehow ran off the side of the little dirt road that lead to the houses, causing it to tilt up and almost tip over. It happened at around 9:45 that morning or so, in other words, right about the time I would have been driving through on my way to work. Would I have been in an accident if I had left when I intended? I have no idea. But, it was a weird happening none the less and something seemed determined that I not be there.

I have dozens more examples, but you get what I am trying to say. Some of them are bigger things like the ones that I outlined above and some are smaller things, like finding money in a coat pocket, that I had forgotten about, right when I really needed it or having something in life fall into place perfectly.

So, if you want to see a miracle, stop and look around or think back on your life and see how many you’ve already experienced. I’ll be the first to admit that I often don’t see all the good things that have happened, just like I have already said, I usually focus on the negative things in my life. But, I believe that I can change that, if I so desire. And, I so desire. I am tired of not seeing all the miracles and wonders of the world. So, if you are so inclined, join me. Let’s focus on the happy memories, the good things we have going for us and to hell with all the sorrow and grief!

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 I am whatever you say I am

If I wasn’t, then why would I say I am?

Eminem-The Way I Am

Okay, so here’s a truth for you. One that we all know, but none of us take to heart, you are whatever others think you are. What I mean by that is, it doesn’t matter what you truly are as a person, because people are going to believe that you are whatever they believe you to be.

We all do it. We meet someone and make a flash judgment of who they are as a person. Sometimes, we actually put forth a little effort and get to know someone and find that our initial judgments were not entirely correct and then sometimes we find them to be all too true. But, do we really know that person? Does anyone ever really know anyone?

That is a question that I don’t think anyone can answer completely. Sure, there are people that know me, in that they know the things I like and what I think about everyday type issues and even some of those off the wall types of things that come up in conversation. But, to say that there is a single person on this earth that really and truly knows me, well there is not even one.

I don’t mean to imply that I am this deep, introverted, and complicated person and that no one can get me, because of these reasons. I mean that roughly 80% of all my thoughts are private, meaning my mind is constantly churning out something, most of which I never share with anyone. Some of it because it’s just the same old mundane bullshit, we all think about, like I need to buy bread. Some of it is something embarrassing, in some way. For me, that could be something dumb I said back in the seventh grade, which I have to replay in my mind over and over again. Sometimes, because I love to write, the thoughts are about characters or stories, some which never see the light of day and remain forever locked in my brain. Then there are the thoughts about life, decisions I’ve made, decisions, I need to make, and so on.

Occasionally, I do share some of this with others, but there is an obscene amount, that I never tell anyone. If you think about it, you’ll most likely discover that you do the same thing. Of course, not every thought that pops in our head should then in turn, flow from our lips. Not every thought we think needs to vocalized for numerous reasons. For one, we would probably be hurting a lot of people’s feelings, for no reason. And for another, the noise of all of us talking almost constantly would likely soon drive us all insane. Because, most people are thinking something, almost all the time, when they are conscious anyway.

So, it shouldn’t surprise us when others don’t really know us. That being said, I hate those people that think they know you. Those people that know little more about you than what you look like, your name, and what they’ve heard about you. They take these facts and run with them, spreading them far and wide.

I really don’t spend too much time thinking about what others think about me anymore, but I still hate when someone spreads lies about me. On the other side of the coin are those that should know you, well a little bit, anyway. These are people like your spouse, long time boyfriend or girlfriend, and very close friends. In other words, those that you have taken into your confidence and have told them things about yourself and your thoughts, that you have told no other.

These people can be the most unreal to me, at times. My husband, for instance, has told me what he thought I was thinking or what I meant by something I said and can sometimes be so far from right, that I find myself wondering if he knows me at all. Well, the truth is, he is telling me what he would think or say, if he were in my shoes. Which, when you think about it, is perfectly understandable, because the thoughts in his head are what he has to work with, unless he is a mind reader and has been keeping his gift under wraps.

So, no matter what you do or say, others are going to place a label on you, in their minds and sometimes aloud. Sometimes it will be correct, other times it will be way off base. So, what do we do to get others to truly see us? Honestly, there’s nothing you can do. You can be all sunshine and light and some people will hate you for being too positive or too nice. You can dress in black and write bad poetry about death and the meaningless of life and some will hate you for being too whiny or too negative.

Here’s the trick, just accept it. Accept the fact that you will NEVER make everyone happy. You will NEVER make people see who you truly are, as a person. But, there will be some that will know more than others and hopefully those will be the one’s whose opinions are positive. We all need someone in our corner cheering. We all need someone. I know, I know, you hear it all the time, that I don’t need anybody mentality. And, no, you shouldn’t need someone just so that you can exist or feel whole, but we all do need someone.

When I say you shouldn’t need someone to simply make you feel as if you exist or to make you feel whole, what I mean is that you should always strive to be a full-functioning person, all on your own. And the people that you add to your life should be people that bring you happiness and joy, not existence and not to just feel a hole inside you.

I guess no one will ever know anyone and maybe it’s for the best, because if we knew every, single thought someone had, we would all probably running for our suicide method of choice. Because, as they say, ignorance is bliss and no one wants to hear every negative thought someone has about them. We need that buffer, so that we aren’t bombarded with all the hate in the world.

But, just in case there is some new technological advance, in the near future, that makes all our thoughts up for grabs, maybe we should try to make our thoughts a little bit kinder. Because, the world can always use a little more kindness.

Death makes angels of us all and gives us wings where we had shoulders round as ravens claws. Jim Morrison

I have experienced the full spectrum of human emotions, but the one I have a closest relationship with is grief. The number of loved ones that I have lost over the years is sadly a long list. Within the time frame of October 2007 to September 2008, I lost four members of my immediate family. The first was a beloved uncle. The next month was my father. Five moths to the day later I lost my brother-in-law, someone that I considered my own brother. The last was my mother-in-law, a woman that I had come to think of as a second mother.

Each one left a scar. Each one left me feeling exhausted and drained. Each death left me feeling as if I couldn’t breathe and just as I was regaining the ability to do so again, the wind was knocked out of me again. Planning funerals and standing at the head of caskets to receive those that had come to pay their last respects was something that I hated.

Anyone that has ever taken the time to truly know me, would be able to tell you, that one of the things that I loathe the most in life is crying in front of others. Well, strangers, anyway. I hate having people look at me with pity and pat me on the back and trying to offer help in the form of kind words. I don’t hate the people that are simply trying to help. No, I hate that I am showing weakness in front others. For, in my mind, whether it is true or not, I feel that people are always looking for weakness in me. As if they are just waiting for the right moment to pounce and rip my throat out.

Sadly, I have experienced similar things in my life with more that a few people over the years. I have had so many knives plunged into my back by those that I loved and those that I thought that I could trust, that I should have bled out, long ago. I had hoped that the revolving door of death in my life would make me numb to a new one, but as of yet, it has not happened.

Truthfully, I don’t know what I feel about death and loss. When it first happens, I feel shock. Then as it slowly began to sink in, the sadness would start out as if there was a piece of ice in the center of my chest. The ice would then spread and a coldness would fill me, to the point, that I never thought I would feel warmth again. The next part was the worst, the moment when you realize that this person that you loved, this person that you secretly believed would be with you forever, is truly gone and once that coffin closes for the last time, you will never see them again.

My father died November 19th, 2007 and even now, I feel as if I could go to his house and find him sitting in his recliner watching TV. There are still those moments, when I catch myself reaching for the phone to call him. There are still times, when I hear something funny and before I can stop myself, I catch myself thinking about how I will tell him about it. It’s those times that bring the grief rushing back in, making me to relive those first moments after his death all over again. Of course, it’s not just my father, but he is the one that has come to my mind, in such a way the most.

My father was a man and I loved him deeply, although he didn’t always make that easy. I made a decision after he died, that I would focus on the positive parts of our relationship, instead of the things that he did that hurt me. I know that his struggle with alcoholism made him do things that he would not normally do. And while that’s not an excuse to mistreat someone, everyone has their own demons and they are not always easily conquered.

The silliest thing about the emotions that I suffered while dealing with the deaths of those that I loved, were the times that I felt bad for feeling good. I would find myself enjoying a movie I was watching or a book that I was reading and then suddenly I would be slammed with guilt, because I had allowed myself to do something other that suffer. It sounds completely idiotic when I really think about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened.

We live, we die, no one here gets out alive. I want to believe that I will see my loved ones again, one day. But, there are times, when I am not sure whether I truly believe it or I just need the comfort in thinking it is true.

What happens when we die? I have no clue. Is there a paradise waiting for us on the other side. I don’t know that, either. But, whether it is true or not, I will still allow myself to believe it, nonetheless. Because whether it’s true or isn’t, we all need something to give us hope or else life is not worth living.

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“It’s during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” 

― Aristotle Onassis

I am an evil and hateful person, there I said it. Okay, so I guess that’s not entirely true, but I do have some attributes, that I could live without. In fact, there are certain parts of myself that I absolutely despise. While it’s true that a lot of the things about myself are simply human nature, it does little to make me feel better.

If we are honest with ourselves, we all have mean and hateful tendencies, some are just better than hiding it than others. Who hasn’t felt even a small amount of joy in hearing about or seeing someone that has wronged you getting a little unhappiness in their lives.

I have a lot of things about myself, that I am also proud of, as well. Of course, we rarely dwell on those thing, now do we? I rarely find myself praising myself for being a kind, loving, generous, and open-minded individual. I can’t say that I have ever actually hoped for bad things to happen to others, necessarily. But, I also admit that I have heard of things going badly for some and felt a small twitch of glee.

I know it’s not something that I should be admitting, but maybe that is exactly what’s wrong with the world today. We are so focused on being something that we aren’t. We are so afraid that we will offend someone or God forbid, make someone not like us. So, we pretend to be nothing but creatures of love and light. We know it’s not true, so why do we continue the charade?

Most of us have known those people that seem to fly above the ground on gossamer wings. They float through life, their feet not touching the ground. They soar above us, with no obstacles in their way. A part of us is happy for them, glad to see that there are some people in the world, that don’t have to struggle through each day. But, there is also that part of us that feels joy, when they fly to high and they find that those wings of gossamer are nothing more than wax and sticks and they soon find themselves rapidly falling to the ground.

I do believe that it’s human nature to want equality with everyone around us. No one like to think that someone is better than themselves, financially, emotionally, or in any way really. We hate to feel like we are less or vulnerable. It makes us feel like we are nothing and that is something that we just don’t want to feel.

I’ve heard it said, that no one can make you think less of yourself or have any power over you, unless you allow them to. I know I have butchered the quote, but you get the point. And, honestly that is true, even though we rarely realize it to be so. We DO allow others to hurt our feelings, to make us feel as if we are not good enough, when more often than not, it’s absolutely not true.

Some people do it, because it makes them feel better about themselves. But, I believe if you have to make someone else feel bad to make yourself feel better about yourself, then you are a truly weak person, that is living a life I would never chose to live. I have hurt others, over the course of my life, some by accident and some on purpose, but I have also felt horrible about it, afterwards. I have also tried to learn from those indiscretions and have tried very hard not to repeat them.

I find that as I have grown older, it’s much easier to be a kinder person and that I don’t lash out like I did when I was younger. I have become more mellow and have come to understand the things in my life that really matter. In other words, I more fully understand what I want out of life and what just doesn’t matter to me at all anymore.

I have always had a low tolerance for bullshit and as I grown older the amount that I will tolerate has become almost nil. I am too old for high school drama and refuse to socialize or be involved with people that are always swimming in it. I don’t want to feel as if I am living on the set of some soap opera. I have absolutely no issue with helping someone with a problem or even letting them bend my ear, if that’s what they need. But, I no longer have the strength to sit and listen to someone that wants to dump their every problem in my lap. Because believe me, I have enough of my own.

So, sometimes I’m evil, sometimes even hateful. But, that doesn’t mean there is no good in me either. In fact, if I were to tally up the scores for both, I am more than confident that the good would by far outweigh the bad.

We need to remember that, the next time the darkness inside, rears its evil head. And, maybe, just maybe if we do so, we can eventually beat the darkness away and be left with nothing but the light inside.

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As the mother of a child that is flying headlong towards high school and adulthood, I often find myself wondering if I am making the right decisions in regards with how I raise my child.

I have read so many articles on every aspect of child-rearing, that I should consider myself an expert on the subject. But, like most mothers, we take every difficulty our children face very personally. If my son doesn’t do well in a subject or on a test, well I should have been attentive, before the issue arose. Because, of course, I am a psychic that can see into the future and already knew that the issue was going to happen. It sounds dumb, but that is precisely how I feel at times.

It’s not just how I feel about being a mother, but also how I feel about practically every relationship in my life. I feel as if I am supposed to be an all knowing, intuitive person, that never has to feel their way through life, just like everyone else. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times that I have beaten myself up for not noticing AND fixing some issue that someone else is having, before it even came to pass.

I suppose, in some ways it is a thing that most women experience, in one way or another, at some point in our lives. Most women, carry that maternal instinct in them, whether they ever actually have children or not. We have a need to nurture and care for those around us. We like fixing other’s problems and making them feel better. Much like we mother’s have placed a band-aid on the scraped knee or elbow of our children, we also want to place the same metaphorical bandage on everyone’s wounds.

The sad thing is that we do this to the point that we forget that we too, have our own wounds that are bleeding profusely. We forget that we also need the same care that we give to others. We again and again, place our needs on the back burner, until it’s too late and we find ourselves too broken to ever repair. But, the trick is, it’s NEVER too late. We can pick up the pieces of our broken souls and put them back together, whenever we choose.

I will never give in to the thought, that I am to be miserable for the rest of my life. Sure, I make mistakes. Things are going to slip past my notice and I am often going to be completely blindsided from time to time, by what live throws at me. I hope that you too, can feel the same. I know that it isn’t always easy and there are days, in which I will not be able to convince myself that it is true.

So, back to the topic of motherhood. As hard as it is and IT IS HARD. It is also one of the most rewarding aspects of my life. I love seeing my child succeed. While, I don’t enjoy seeing him fail, I do enjoy helping him to steer him in the right direction, in order for him to get back on track. We as mothers, aunts, sisters, or even just mentors, have a wonderful opportunity to help and guide the next generation to be that best possible version of themselves, that they can be.

Of course, that is not to say, that every young person will be what you hope for. Just like every generation before, some will succeed, some will struggle and some will simply fall flat on their faces. And, that’s just life. That doesn’t mean that we don’t still try to make sure that doesn’t happen with a child that we care for.

The sad part of being a mother is knowing that there will come a time, when you have to step back and let them stand on their own two feet. We have to trust that we did all that we the very best that we could. Easier said than done, I know. We can be a support system for as long as we are physically able, but we have to also allow them to become the person, that they choose to be.

My child is 13 years old and will be entering the 8th grade in the fall. With each passing year, his growing older, is bittersweet. I love seeing the man he is growing up to be, but I also mourn the baby, toddler and child, that he was. I sometimes think I would like to relive the earlier days, but that is a wish that will never come to pass. I hope that I have and will continue to hand him the keys that will one day make him a happy and successful adult. While I hope he able to accomplish both, the happy part is my definite wish for him.

So, I guess that I won’t feel bad when I tell him to clean his room or pick up his dirty clothes. Because that is what being a mother means, you have to be willing to do those things for your children, because they are just as important as the band-aids.

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There are days, days when I feel like I need a helping hand. Someone that will reach through the darkness and fog that fills me, someone that will pull me into the light. It’s something that I lack the power to ask for and something that I feel that if there was someone that truly cared for me would simply do, without my having to ask.

Of course, this is a selfish way to look at the situation, but when you are in a dark, sad place, you don’t spend much time thinking of others. Yes, this causes even more pain, because then you begin to lash out at the ones that you love the most. It’s a vicious cycle. It makes you feel as if you are running on a hamster wheel. You run and run, but you don’t get anywhere. Common sense would tell you to just get off the damn thing, but anyone that has dealt with depression knows that’s not an option.

I cannot even begin to count the number of people that have told me to just get over it or smile. Because, naturally if I smile, I will miraculously feel better and all the pain will dissipate into the universe, right? I wish it were that easy. I wish that there were just a switch inside of me that I could just flip and I would feel better. It is only made worse by the fact that I have no real understanding of why I feel sad to begin with.

There are others that say they understand depression, but they are talking about simply being sad. They also know why they are sad. They have a definite reason that explains why they feel blue. I don’t often have that luxury. I feel like I am sinking in a pit of despair and there is no helping hand to pull me out. In fact, it feels as if the hands around me are pushing me down, holding me under the surface and no matter how much I try I cannot pull myself out.

How you describe the utter exhaustion you feel, with a simple chore, such as walking to the bathroom. It makes no sense to me and I am the one that is feeling it, so how could I even begin to put it into words for someone that has never experienced it.

I push forward, I fight, I scream inside my head, as loudly as I can and eventually. it gets better. Sadly, when I am in the lowest depths of my despair, it’s hard to remember that this too shall pass. A motto that I have tried to live my life by. Some days are easier than others. It never gets completely better, but some days are happier than others.

Although, I have never turned to substance abuse as a way to cope, I can most definitely see the appeal. I can absolutely understand wanting to take a drink, a pill, or whatever your drug of choice might be and just drifting away into oblivion. It would be so easy.

I have, as most adults, been drunk in my lifetime, more so when I was younger, but still I do know what it feels like. Sadly, for me the feeling of bliss was short-lived. And more often than not I ended up reliving memories that I would much rather forget and then I had the wonderful release of emptying my stomach into the toilet. I was never able to hold my liquor. I even smoked marijuana, which usually ended up with me feeling paranoid and as if someone was watching me. So, suffice to say, it did not help, either.

Maybe there is no way out, although I refuse to allow myself to believe that. There is happiness in this life for and for you, as well. It’s just that some days we have to look for it much harder than other days. Yes, there are even some days when we just won’t find it or we just lack the energy to look. And, that’s okay, too.

It’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay if you can’t turn off the thoughts that drive you insane. Because as the song says, Tomorrow’s another day and I’m thirsty anyway, so bring on the rain.

I decided to start this blog because like many of you out there, floating through life, I am tired of feeling alone. When I say alone, I don’t mean that you are physically alone, necessarily. I am speaking of the loneliness that we feel, when things in life do not go according to plan.

And let’s be honest, how often do things really go according to the plans we have made? Of course, thankfully most of the setbacks we have are minor or really more of a nuisance than a real catastrophe. But, that’s not to say, that we don’t treat them as such.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times, over the years, in which I have felt like throwing my hands up at a situation and just walking away. Life IS tough! A simple thought, but also a very true one, as well.

While, I have struggled with the everyday difficulties that most any adult woman has to muddle through. I am a wife, mother, daughter. I hold all these titles with pride. I also, like most women today, work a full-time job. I have a lot of irons in the fire, as they say. More often than not, I feel like I am walking the edge of a knife and one wrong step is going to cause me to tumble to the ground, dragging my family with me.

To add to my stresses, I also struggle with depression and anxiety. Sadly, these ailments have haunted my footsteps for almost my entire life. I am also a survivor of not only sexual, but also mental, spiritual, and emotional abuse. This has not made my life any easier. In fact, there have been many times that the emotional and physical pain that was caused by these acts have left me almost crippled by grief and sorrow.

Life has been a constant struggle. When I was very young I began to lose interest in school, to the point that even the thought of having to go, left me feeling physically ill. I was soon diagnosed with ulcers, at the ripe old age of eight years old. This added its own difficulties. I began treatment and while it helped some, I still HATED school. I hated the kids, the teachers, the schoolwork, and everything in between. I was bored at the pace in which lessons were taught and often became frustrated with others that were struggling with things that I learned with ease. My mother was advised by the school’s guidance counselor to have my IQ tested.

An appointment was made at our local Board of Education to have the testing done. I thought it was just a waste of time and really didn’t try quite as hard as I could have, but nonetheless, I was found to have a high IQ. I won’t bore you with the actual score or even tell you that my life was then changed for the better, because it wasn’t. I was transferred to another school, that offered a gifted class for advanced children and I did enjoy it, but I soon found myself feeling the same way again.

I just couldn’t muster any real motivation for most of the lessons. simply because they were things that I already knew. I never felt completely comfortable around kids my own age, because they seemed to immature and more interested in things, that I couldn’t care less about. Things did begin to get better when I entered high school. There were many new activities and things going on that I found interesting. I was a member of a number of clubs and really enjoyed being involved. I was a member of the Drama Club, Math Club, Annual Staff, and several others. I volunteered for activities, especially those that would place in a leadership type role.

While some things got better, other things, sadly stayed the same. I still battled depression, that seemed to worsen as I grew older. I even attempted suicide at the age of 16. It led to my being sent to the Emergency Room and having my stomach pumped. I was then forced to go for a mental health evaluation. I lied when asked if I truly meant to harm myself and said that I just done it for attention. I told the counselor exactly what I knew she wanted to hear, because the thought of being confined to a hospital was not something that I wanted to do. There are times when I regret that decision and things might have been much easier for me, if I had told the truth, but that is another one of those, what might have been moments, that I am now forced to live with.

I did begin seeing a psychologist and was then referred to a psychiatrist. I was placed on an antidepressant that made things go from bad to almost intolerable. I became almost crazed. I suffered from paranoia, mood swings, and an all around feeling that I was going crazy. I stopped the medication, unbeknownst to anyone else and while things did improve slightly, I was still depressed.

I pushed through and still do to this day. I think I could really benefit from medication, now that I am older, but constant struggles with money make it all but impossible to pursue. I hope that by writing this blog, I can find some relief and hopefully give you some as well.

I know what it feels like to lie awake, your mind running a million miles an hour and feeling as if you are going to break into a thousand pieces at any moment. I know what it feels like to feel unloved and unwanted, yet still pressing onward. I know what it feels like to wonder if you are making the right decision for your child, your marriage, your career, your health, and every other decision life throws at you. I also know what it feels like to think that nothing is ever going to be good in your life. To feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, things are always going to turn out bad. I know what it feels like to not be able to enjoy the happy moments in your life, because your waiting for the ax to fall and lop off your head.

I hope by writing this blog that we can all find others to lean on, others that feel the same and learn to cope together.