I decided to start this blog because like many of you out there, floating through life, I am tired of feeling alone. When I say alone, I don’t mean that you are physically alone, necessarily. I am speaking of the loneliness that we feel, when things in life do not go according to plan.

And let’s be honest, how often do things really go according to the plans we have made? Of course, thankfully most of the setbacks we have are minor or really more of a nuisance than a real catastrophe. But, that’s not to say, that we don’t treat them as such.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times, over the years, in which I have felt like throwing my hands up at a situation and just walking away. Life IS tough! A simple thought, but also a very true one, as well.

While, I have struggled with the everyday difficulties that most any adult woman has to muddle through. I am a wife, mother, daughter. I hold all these titles with pride. I also, like most women today, work a full-time job. I have a lot of irons in the fire, as they say. More often than not, I feel like I am walking the edge of a knife and one wrong step is going to cause me to tumble to the ground, dragging my family with me.

To add to my stresses, I also struggle with depression and anxiety. Sadly, these ailments have haunted my footsteps for almost my entire life. I am also a survivor of not only sexual, but also mental, spiritual, and emotional abuse. This has not made my life any easier. In fact, there have been many times that the emotional and physical pain that was caused by these acts have left me almost crippled by grief and sorrow.

Life has been a constant struggle. When I was very young I began to lose interest in school, to the point that even the thought of having to go, left me feeling physically ill. I was soon diagnosed with ulcers, at the ripe old age of eight years old. This added its own difficulties. I began treatment and while it helped some, I still HATED school. I hated the kids, the teachers, the schoolwork, and everything in between. I was bored at the pace in which lessons were taught and often became frustrated with others that were struggling with things that I learned with ease. My mother was advised by the school’s guidance counselor to have my IQ tested.

An appointment was made at our local Board of Education to have the testing done. I thought it was just a waste of time and really didn’t try quite as hard as I could have, but nonetheless, I was found to have a high IQ. I won’t bore you with the actual score or even tell you that my life was then changed for the better, because it wasn’t. I was transferred to another school, that offered a gifted class for advanced children and I did enjoy it, but I soon found myself feeling the same way again.

I just couldn’t muster any real motivation for most of the lessons. simply because they were things that I already knew. I never felt completely comfortable around kids my own age, because they seemed to immature and more interested in things, that I couldn’t care less about. Things did begin to get better when I entered high school. There were many new activities and things going on that I found interesting. I was a member of a number of clubs and really enjoyed being involved. I was a member of the Drama Club, Math Club, Annual Staff, and several others. I volunteered for activities, especially those that would place in a leadership type role.

While some things got better, other things, sadly stayed the same. I still battled depression, that seemed to worsen as I grew older. I even attempted suicide at the age of 16. It led to my being sent to the Emergency Room and having my stomach pumped. I was then forced to go for a mental health evaluation. I lied when asked if I truly meant to harm myself and said that I just done it for attention. I told the counselor exactly what I knew she wanted to hear, because the thought of being confined to a hospital was not something that I wanted to do. There are times when I regret that decision and things might have been much easier for me, if I had told the truth, but that is another one of those, what might have been moments, that I am now forced to live with.

I did begin seeing a psychologist and was then referred to a psychiatrist. I was placed on an antidepressant that made things go from bad to almost intolerable. I became almost crazed. I suffered from paranoia, mood swings, and an all around feeling that I was going crazy. I stopped the medication, unbeknownst to anyone else and while things did improve slightly, I was still depressed.

I pushed through and still do to this day. I think I could really benefit from medication, now that I am older, but constant struggles with money make it all but impossible to pursue. I hope that by writing this blog, I can find some relief and hopefully give you some as well.

I know what it feels like to lie awake, your mind running a million miles an hour and feeling as if you are going to break into a thousand pieces at any moment. I know what it feels like to feel unloved and unwanted, yet still pressing onward. I know what it feels like to wonder if you are making the right decision for your child, your marriage, your career, your health, and every other decision life throws at you. I also know what it feels like to think that nothing is ever going to be good in your life. To feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, things are always going to turn out bad. I know what it feels like to not be able to enjoy the happy moments in your life, because your waiting for the ax to fall and lop off your head.

I hope by writing this blog that we can all find others to lean on, others that feel the same and learn to cope together.